Thursday morning, I woke excited about the opportunity to explore the countryside. I continued to be mentally assaulted by my conversation with Rachel from the previous day about photographing and talking to strangers, but I pushed that aside, telling myself that I won’t have many opportunities to explore this part of the country. I was excited to have any excuse possible to keep myself from such a frightening task…
We gathered in the chapel again to receive our assignment for the day… Will started off by reminding us that he needed two images from each of us for a project they were working on (followed by a bit of scrambling as we all tried to cull down our images from the previous day), and then he announced our assignment.
We were to go out and find a stranger. We were to learn their story. We were to listen to them. And then, after we had listened and learned about them… then we were to capture their portrait.
Ack.
Rebirth Lesson #8- Don’t try to run away from the things you are afraid of. If you don’t confront them, they’ll confront you.
So I did what any good girl would do in this situation…
I stalled.
Rachel and I headed back into town… and we decided we needed to find food. We tried one place, and when that didn’t seem quite right, we drove all around town trying to find this other place. Then I decided that there was no way I was going to be able to chat with a stranger as long as I was with someone else… so we decided to forgo lunch and split up to do our assignment (after a short stop at Sonic to power ourselves with caffeine and carbs). We knew the area that we wanted to find our subjects in, so we drove up and down the road, back and forth, over and over… trying to make a decision. Rachel called it “feature-hunting”… I felt like it was stalking ;)
Finally, Rachel had made her decision. I dropped her off with Jerry (of Jerry’s cab company), and they headed out to tour the city. I had decided that I was going to visit The Beauty Salon… but the idea of just parking my car, getting out, and walking in, completely blind, was overwhelmingly terrifying. What if they didn’t want me in their shop? What if they didn’t understand why I wanted to photograph them? I decided to call ahead… that would at least ease my transition… and they would be prepared when I marched into their shop with my giant camera in tow. Sadly, the owner answered the phone and expressed that she was covered up in business right that second, but she would be glad to meet with me later on, if I’d like. I knew if I waited til later, I was going to completely bail on the project, so I thanked her, and went back on my search for a subject.
I was driving back through town, for the millionth time (at least!), when I spotted (again) a group of people (mostly men) congregating on the corners. It was four different blocks in a row, and each block had 8-12 people hanging out on it. Every time I had driven by, I had felt compelled to stop and photograph someone from this area, but it just didn’t seem like a safe idea (and remember… I’m very afraid of strangers!). This time, as I turned the corner, I noticed an elderly gentleman in white patten leather shoes and a white hat, sitting on the stoop beside the grocery. He was separated from the rest of the group. I decided he was perfect, so I circled the block to find a place to park and get out to meet him. When I got to the other side of the block… I realized that he had moved. He was now in the midst of about 8 other guys.
I truly gave up. I decided that Will and Rachel and the rest of the class were just going to have to be disappointed in me. That some tasks are just impossible. That I’m not brave, and I don’t have to be.
And then I made myself circle the town one last time. And on my way past that block, I watched as 5 or 6 guys got up and walked off… leaving the elderly gentleman sitting alone with one other man.
I pulled my car past them, pulled over into a parking space, and turned off the engine. And then, after all that work up… I still couldn’t get out of my car! I practiced every scenario possible on how I was going to talk to these guys… how I was going to explain what it was that I wanted from them. (Just to clarify… it was not my personal safety that I was afraid for… it was purely fear of having to introduce myself and talk to someone I don’t know. This is something that I REALLY struggle with). Finally, I just forced myself out of the car. I walked over, as if I belonged, sat down on the curb, and introduced myself.
“Hi… I’m Amber. I’m a photography student and a visitor to Clarksdale. I wondered if I could sit and talk with y’all for awhile… get to know you a bit. And then maybe, if it’s ok with you, maybe I could take your portraits.”
And that’s how I met Eddie and Mr. Will.
Eddie is 33 years old, and he spends most of his days hanging out on that street corner. When I confessed to Eddie that I am absolutely terrified of strangers, he said, “Well, you don’t have to be scared of us… we’re not strangers at all. I’m Eddie, and you came to the right place.”
Our conversation turned to family… and Eddie confided in me that he has 13 children. Apparently, I reacted in a fairly amusing fashion to this piece of information, because when it came time to take Eddie’s portrait, he asked, “Should I make the ‘don’t have 13 children’ face?”. I laughed and nodded… and he gave me the following pose. Love it.
I found it interesting how unpretentious Eddie was. When I asked him what was good about Clarksdale, he thought for a moment and then responded, “Everything. The people. The sun. Our street. Mr. Will.”
And speaking of Mr. Will… He was a complete character! He was born in 1920 and has 6 kids. The oldest is 50 years old, and the youngest is 18! His real name is Herman Williams, but when he was in the military that name was shortened to just “Will.” And although he introduced himself to me as Will, I took my lead from Eddie, and referred to him respectfully as Mr. Will.
This is exactly how he looked when I drove past and he caught my eye…
I asked Mr. Will why he had picked that particular corner to be his hang out spot. He informed me that there used to be a juke joint there. He said there were “lots of memories wrapped up in that block”. He said they had torn it (along with half of the town) down, and promised to rebuild… but so far, the only rebuilding he’d seen involved more tearing down. He said, “If they aren’t going to give me that club back, at least I can just sit here real close to it where the memories are.”
After I had captured both of their portraits… they thanked me while I tried desperately to thank them with an intensity that matched my feelings… and I climbed back into my car.
Rebirth Lesson #9 – Mom was wrong… it’s ok to talk to strangers.
I picked Rachel back up, and we headed back to share our images with the group. When my images came up on the screen, and I shared my story… everyone praised me. I received tons of affirmation (upon which I thrive, normally). I sat back and evaluated how that made me feel… and I realized that this time, it didn’t matter. The praise was not nearly as exciting as the exhilaration and pride I had felt as I accomplished my task. I didn’t shoot those portraits for the class. I wasn’t trying to prove myself to the Rebirth staff.
I shot those portraits for me. I needed to prove myself… to me.
Rebirth Lesson #10- Realizing you don’t need affirmation is liberating.
To be honest, that assignment exhausted me, and the rest of the day passed in a blur. I didn’t photograph anything else, and I didn’t have any more revelations… I just sat back and watched as the workshop came to a close.
Friday morning, we drug ourselves out of bed, had a final pow-wow as a group… and headed our separate ways. I drove most of the way in silence… windows down… brain turned off. Just driving.
Thank you.. thank you… thank you… Rebirth workshoppers.
Will, Sarah, Chris, Laura Beth (Shawn and Rachel, too!)- you guys inspire me. Thank you for creating an environment in which I could recharge and reconnect. I hope we do it again!
(Thanks to Shawn for this image!)
love you all,
amber
Oh… and just so you know… (for those of you who have maybe thought this about me in the past) I am not stuck up, nor am I snobby, nor am I unapproachable. I’m actually just terrified of you, because you are a stranger. If you approach me and talk to me, I’ll force myself to get over it… but in the past, the idea of approaching someone I don’t know and talking to them… or even making eye contact and smiling… has seemed impossible. So I’m sorry to those of you who have felt slighted by me in the past, I’m going to try harder in the future. (But if you see me looking “unapproachable”… just approach. I don’t bite, and I’ll probably be really thankful!)
Rebirth Lesson #10- If you don’t want people to be scared of you, you have to smile at them. Even if you’re scared of them.
by amberholritz
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